Guidance Channel: Is anger healthy?

Kerry Moles: Anger is a healthy and necessary emotion for everybody; the challenge is how we deal with it. Everybody has to get angry sometimes because without anger there wouldn't be any change. It can motivate us to do positive things. When handled appropriately, anger can be helpful.

GC: How can anger be destructive?

Kerry Moles: When emotions underlying anger aren't processed in a healthy manner, anger can become destructive in a few different ways. If we externalize our anger, it can result in verbal aggression and even violence. When internalized, anger can lead to emotional difficulties, trouble sleeping, aches and pains, ulcers, headaches, and other medical problems.

GC: In what ways can it interfere with our relationships?

Kerry Moles: It interferes with our relationships when we are unable to express what's really going on beneath the anger. A lot of times, we take out our anger at the rest of the world on the people that we're the closest to and with whom we feel the safest.

One important point I'd like to make is that a lot of times people think that they or other people have anger management problems when the problem behavior is actually abusive. In a domestic violence situation or a hate crime scenario, the aggressors shouldn't be getting help with anger management. People who are abusive, for example to their girlfriend or boyfriend, need to go to a program that specializes in domestic violence. It's a very different dynamic than anger management because it's not that that person can’t control their anger, it's that they are trying to gain power and control over the other person.

GC: Why do people stuff their anger?

Kerry Moles: We have been given a lot of messages about anger through society that tell us it's not acceptable to express anger. We often only see two alternatives. We think that either we get enraged, destructive, violent, and aggressive, or we stuff it all inside. Too many of us are unable to find the middle ground.

A lot of us handle our anger by holding it all inside so we don't have to deal with the consequences of being aggressive or enraged. We are afraid that expressing emotions -- even in a non-aggressive way -- is going to have negative consequences. When women stuff their anger it is often because they have learned the general stereotype that women aren't supposed to be aggressive. When men stuff their anger it is because they have learned that men are not "supposed to" be emotionally expressive.

GC: What are the potential consequences of stuffing our anger?

Kerry Moles: There are the physical problems I just mentioned such as ulcers, headaches, etc. In fact, there is some evidence that stuffing anger and holding in your emotions can affect how the body does or doesn't heal and how the body handles much more serious, life-threatening illnesses.

Of course, then there are the emotional and relationship issues. When you are not expressing your anger and you are holding it inside, you aren't able to deal with the issues that are causing it, so you never resolve anything.

GC: Is there a relationship between stress and anger?

Kerry Moles: I think there is a two-way relationship between stress and anger. Stress relief has a lot to do with releasing pent up emotions. It's the same thing with anger -- people need to be able to find a way to release that buildup inside.

GC: How do our bodies tell us we are getting angry?

Kerry Moles: There are a lot of ways because everybody is different. But in general, there are three main categories that we talk about. In nature, when animals (including humans) feel threatened, the "fight, flight or freeze" syndrome occurs. Our bodies react in one of three ways -- either by running away from the threat, preparing to fight, or freezing up. While this response was probably developed biologically as a way of protecting ourselves during life-threatening situations in nature, such as when someone or something is about to attack us, the same basic principles also apply when somebody makes us angry in our everyday life.

There are varying physical symptoms that appear when we become angry because of the physiological changes related to the "fight, flight or freeze" syndrome. Our hands may shake, we might begin to sweat, our hearts may begin to pound, or our mouths can become dry. We may even become immobilized, which can make it difficult to deal with the consequences of the anger and the threat itself. But again, everybody handles it in different ways.

GC: What are common behavioral symptoms of anger?

Kerry Moles: Everyone's different. Some people may walk away, become passive, look down at the floor, and simply refuse to deal with the situation that makes them angry. Other people resort to fighting. They become aggressive, defensive or confrontational. Then there are people who are able to deal with their anger in a more assertive way. These people can calmly address the issues head on. They make eye contact, talk with people, and do whatever they need to do to resolve the conflict without being aggressive or running away from it.

GC: Since our feelings are driven by our thoughts, can our perspective help us to manage our anger?

Kerry Moles: Absolutely. One of the things that I talk about in my new workbook, Strategies For Anger Management, is the importance of self-talk. If we automatically assume the worst about what other people are thinking, or about ourselves, we are more likely to become angry.

GC: What about if we look at situations from a more positive perspective?

Kerry Moles: There is a fine line between denying reality and having a positive perspective. But if we can look at things -- particularly the things we can control, like ourselves -- and take a more positive approach, then we are better able to respond constructively to whatever makes us angry. We need to take time to reflect on what we have done well, rather than always focusing on what we think we did wrong.

GC: What role does setting realistic goals and expectations play in anger prevention?

Kerry Moles: It plays a huge role because if we have unrealistic goals and we don't meet them, then we are going to feel disappointed. We are going to feel less than competent and are going to have all sorts of negative emotions that can lead to anger.

GC: What about our expectations of other people?

Kerry Moles: That is just as important. People get angry when other people don't meet their expectations. Chronically angry people and abusive people often have too high expectations. They set other people up for failure in their eyes, then they get angry because the other person can't possibly meet their expectations.

GC: How can identifying triggers to anger help us to prevent ourselves from losing control?

Kerry Moles: If we recognize our triggers and can sense our anger escalating early on while we are still thinking clearly, we have a better chance of staying in control.

GC: Can avoiding our triggers help?

Kerry Moles: Absolutely. If you know that a certain person makes you angry every time you see him or her then you might be able to avoid that person or change your relationship with him or her. Of course, there are many situations in which you can't avoid the trigger and in which you have to learn to address the anger. But you can minimize the frequency that you are placed in those stressful situations.

GC: What can we do when we realize that we are becoming angry to remain calm?

Kerry Moles: That depends on each individual -- which is why it's important that everybody have their own individualized anger management plan. But there are many common techniques, such as deep breathing, self-talk, taking time outs, and having certain cues that allow you to reframe a situation. It just depends on the individual. Everybody needs to figure out what works for them.

GC: Is it helpful to differentiate between our different levels of anger?

Kerry Moles: Yes because anger tends to escalate if it's not addressed. And the sooner we can identify our anger and address it, the less likely it is to escalate to a level that can become destructive.

GC: How can honest, open and direct expression of our anger help us to effectively manage it?

Kerry Moles: One of the things that my workbook, Strategies For Anger Management, talks about is that anger is really nothing more than a cover-up emotion to other emotions. I don't consider anger a primary emotion. I consider it a secondary emotion. Primary emotions, like hurt, rejection or happiness, directly result from something someone does or says, or your own self-talk. When those emotions aren't expressed or addressed, and the needs that come from those emotions aren’t met, it results in anger. But anger is never really an emotion in and of itself. There is always something underlying it. So if we are able to express our anger and let other people know all of the underlying emotions we feel -- even if that situation doesn't get resolved -- it avoids the build up and escalation of all those emotions. It helps us to keep from getting to the secondary emotion of anger.

GC: Why does physically releasing our anger help us to feel better?

Kerry Moles: As we talked about before, there are physiological changes when we become angry and those changes are survival mechanisms. From the beginning of time, these changes have helped humans to survive. When we perceive a threat and those other physiological changes take place, but we are not actually fighting a tiger or running away from a charging bull, we aren't releasing that anger physically. This is not just an emotional process, it's a physical one as well.

A lot of times just taking a run can help us to release those physiological symptoms. While this is important, we also need to release our anger emotionally as well -- it can't just be one or the other. That's a mistake that people sometimes make. They think that if they just get it out physically, then that's going to take care of it. But we have to take care of it on both sides.

GC: What steps can we take to protect ourselves from others whose anger has escalated to rage?

Kerry Moles: There are certain preventive steps you can take when you are in a conflict to keep the other person's anger from escalating. Make sure that your body language is nonthreatening so that the other person doesn't feel more threatened. Avoid turning the conflict into a power struggle.

If somebody has already escalated to rage, there are key steps to staying safe. We talked before about being able to recognize your own cues, but it also helps to recognize other people’s anger signs. This is especially effective if it's somebody you are with a lot, and you are seeing a pattern of angry behavior. You should also have a safety plan, so you can get out of the situation when these cues appear. When other people's anger has escalated to rage, don't try to fight them or get them under control. The only thing you can do is to keep yourself safe! Sometimes it's hard for people to do because of their pride. But you need to keep in mind that the person you can control is yourself and that's what you should be focusing on.

GC: Why do we need to keep our anger under control even if others don't?

Kerry Moles: When other people don't keep their anger under control and it's directed at us, it can become a power struggle. We often think to ourselves, "If he can do this to me, then I am going to one up him and do something worse to him." Yet that's not even so much about anger, it's about needing to be in control of the other person.

You need to realize that the only person you can control is yourself. If you want to be effective and to accomplish your goals, you need to respond to your anger in an assertive, as opposed to an aggressive, way. The bottom line is that it is up to you to keep yourself under control. Nobody has to keep themselves under control. It's a decision and it's a choice that we all make.

ABOUT KERRY MOLES

Kerry Moles, CSW, received her undergraduate degree in professional writing and her Master's in social work. She has worked extensively in the fields of child welfare and domestic violence in Los Angeles, Austin, Texas, and the New York City area. Kerry is a consultant and trainer who has facilitated hundreds of workshops for young people and professionals on issues of domestic violence, teen relationship abuse, sexual assault, conflict resolution and other related topics.

Ms. Moles is the author of several therapeutic workbooks offering reproducible activities, including the Teen Relationship Workbook, the Relationship Workbook and the soon-to-be-released Strategies For Anger Management Workbook. All of these publications are (or will be) available through Wellness Reproductions and Publishing.