Dr. Jody Roy offers answers to many parents` most pressing questions about hatred and violence. Some of her comments below are from interviews, while others are excerpted from her 2003 book How We Hate, Why We Hurt: A Guide for Parents, Educators, and Other Every Day Role Models.

What exactly is hate?

"Hatred is an emotion. It is a feeling we experience. Hatred is the emotional opposite of love. When we experience love, we feel a connection to another person. When we experience hatred, we feel repulsion from another person. Love is a bond, whereas hatred is a barricade. Hatred is an emotional end-point. Hatred never comes first; it is always a secondary sensation, necessarily preceded by a primal emotion, fear."

How is hatred related to fear?

"The relationship between hatred and fear lies at the center of the cycle of aggression in our society. Whether that aggression expresses itself overtly in the horror of violence, or more subtly as a form of social or emotional withdrawal from others, aggression builds walls between us. When we look at the world through the eyes of our fear and hatred of ‘the other,’ we view those walls as a necessary fortress, the only thing protecting us in a dangerous world. However, when we force ourselves to admit that much of the ‘danger’ is actually a creation of our own minds, we realize that we have not built ourselves a fortress so much as a prison. The secret to tearing down the walls of that prison and to stopping the cycle of aggression rests inside the nature of the relationship between fear and hatred. Fear is an instinct; we cannot choose not to feel fear when we perceive a threat. But we can teach ourselves to assess the substance of our fears and the legitimacy of the perceptions driving those fears. In that moment of self-reflection, we realize our power to choose either to hate or not to hate. Hatred is a choice we can make to manage our fear. It is one choice. Knowledge is our other option."

What processes cause hatred?

"When we think in absolute terms, when we believe in stereotypes, when we blame others for our problems, and when we think other people aren`t quite as fully deserving of the status `human` as we are, we are living inside the processes of hatred. Each of those processes relies on careless thinking and, usually, flawed or non-existent `evidence.` Yet, too often we fall for the processes of hatred. Whether we harbor stereotypes about people of another race or generically blame people of another socio-economic class for our struggles, we are basing hateful claims on bad arguments. That`s why improving kids` critical thinking skills is so important to the long-term prevention of hatred. Kids who think clearly hate less!"

Does hatred play a role in all types of violence?

"All violence is motivated by hatred to some extent. At the very least, a person lashing out at another fails to empathize with the other, to see the other as somehow the same… somehow fully human. At this level we see a generalized form of dehumanization, a hallmark of the processes of hatred. On the other hand, specific hatred very obviously motivates some other forms of violence. Sometimes committed as acts of passion, sometimes fully pre-meditated, most targeted murders and other forms of serious violent crime are motivated by the offender`s hatred of the victim. So-called ‘hate’ or ‘bias’ crimes tend to merge the defining elements of the two preceding categories. From the generalized attitudes of dehumanization which enable random acts of violence to the personal and prejudicial hatred which directs targeted violence, hatred plays some role in all forms of aggressive violence."

What Can We Do To Help Kids Avoid Hate and Violence?

"Love them and teach them. We have to teach kids how to think critically so they can see through the bad logic that drives most hate. Hate can be seductive for kids, but only if they aren`t prepared to see it for what it is. We have to help kids learn to communicate effectively. Kids who aren`t able to resolve conflicts with words turn to violence. And kids who can`t vent their frustrations and find solutions through language are powder-kegs. Finally, we have to help kids develop a sense of self-respect and respect for others. But let me add a note here--I`m not talking about falsely praising kids for every little thing they do; I`m not talking about the kind of patronizing pats on the head that adults (and kids!) find meaningless or even demeaning. That doesn`t raise self-respect; in fact, it can damage it. I`m talking about authentic self-respect, earned self-respect, the kind that builds from setting goals, working hard, and seeing results in all areas of life-school, relationships, sports…you name it!”