A crisis is a situation caused by an event that puts a person, family, or community in a position of being at-risk physically and/or emotionally. In the Chinese language, the symbol for the concept of "crisis" is the combination of "danger" and "opportunity." If crisis implies danger, then immediacy, discretion, and competence should characterize the response. Also implied in a crisis is an opportunity to promote a new outlook for the person involved. Loss and grief are common crisis issues. Most everyone has experienced some kind of loss -- whether the loss of a loved one, a pet, a home or health. Loss occurs as a normal part of life, but one's grief in response to this loss does not always feel so normal, especially for children and adolescents.

Children and Grief

Young students grieve losses in their lives as intensely as adults. Because children are often less able than adults to put their feelings into words, their grief is seen in their behavior. Children's reactions will differ depending on their level of emotional development, their relationship to the deceased, the information they receive concerning death, and their past experiences with death. They may be confused about what has happened and worried about what might happen in the future.

Children who are younger than eight years may not be able to understand that death is final. They may believe that they will see the dead person again. It is probably better not to force the idea that death is final on a child until they are ready to deal with it. If the loss directly affects the children, you can expect to see them "reprocess" it as they reach new levels of understanding. Even if the children were not directly affected, it is still common for death to trigger fears of similar losses in their own lives. This is especially true if the children have already experienced the death of someone close, or if it is a stressful time for their family. Children need a caring adult during this time to understand them, support them and help them to express their feelings.

Adolescents and Grief

Adolescents can experience a variety of emotions that may vary from day to day. Young people's reactions will differ depending on their level of emotional development, their relationship to the deceased, their belief system about death, and their past experiences with death. Those who are experiencing stress in their personal or family relationships may have more difficulty coping.

A common characteristic of young people is the belief in their own immortality. Young people may take on an attitude of "I dare it to happen to me," which taken to an extreme could mean experimenting with dangerous behaviors or situations. Young people have a more adult understanding of death, but may not fully accept that it will happen to them. They may express a lot of anger about death because they are more comfortable expressing anger than hurt and sadness, which may seem childish to them. It is common for young people to need and seek out support from their friends during this time. This peer support is important, but they also need caring support from the adults in their lives. Even if the young person did not have a close relationship with the person who died, death can often trigger feelings from past losses. The feelings can be just as strong as any directly related to the current loss.

Common Grief Reactions

• Shock/denial
• Sadness
• Lack of feelings
• Rebellion at home/school
• Sleep/appetite disturbances
• School problems -- fighting, withdrawal, attention seeking, poor concentration
• Physical problems -- headaches, stomach aches
• Over-involvement with peers or loss of interest in peer and social activities
• Idealization of the deceased
• Restlessness/disorganization
• Preoccupation with the situation

Tips To Share With Parents

• Be involved with your child/children.
• Observe their behavior.
• Listen to your children.
• Help your children explore their feelings.
• Reassure them that their feelings are normal.
• Give assurances of love, support and safety.
• Allow them their feelings without judgment.
• Let them feel their pain; do not minimize the loss.
• Use clear language (died, death, dead).
• Discuss with your children their feelings about attending the funeral.
• Plan for a caring adult to be present at the funeral, if your child attends.
• Routine and consistency are important.
• Be sensitive to the need for peer group support.
• Set reasonable limits and provide structure to provide feelings of security.
• Permit or encourage talk about the person who died.
• Get extra help if you need it.

Recommended Reading

Books for Children

• Buscaglia, Leo. The Fall of Freddie the Leaf. The story of how life itself is immortal.
• Carlstrom, Nancy White. Blow Me a Kiss Miss Lilly. The death of an elderly friend.
• Clifton, Lucille. Everett Anderson's Goodbye. A young child struggles through the stages of grief after his father's death.
• Cohn, Janice. I Had a Friend Named Peter. A young child's best friend is killed in an accident.
• Fassler, Joan. My Grandpa Died Today. The death of a grandfather.
• Gould, Deborah. Grandpa's Slide Show. Family memories are important after the death of a grandfather.
• Powell, E. Sandy. Geranium Morning. A young child deals with the death of his father.
• Sanford, Doris. It Must Hurt A Lot. A child's pet dog dies.
• Stiles, Norman. I'll Miss You Mr. Hooper. The death of a very special Sesame Street friend.
• Tejima. Swan Sky. The life and death of a young swan.
• Wilhelm, Hans. I'll Always Love You. A little boy's pet dog dies.
• Varley, Susan. Badger's Parting Gifts. Badger's friends deal with his death.

Books for Intermediate Students

• Clifford, Eth. The Remembering Box. The death of a grandmother, family love and tradition.
• Donnelly, Elfie. So Long, Grandpa. The approaching death of a grandfather and the relationship he shares with his grandson.
• Jukes, Mavis. Blackberries in the Dark. A young man's visit to his grandmother's home brings back memories of his grandfather who died in the spring.
• Orgel, Doris. Whiskers Once and Always. A young girl's pet dies.
• Smith, Doris Buchanan. A Taste of Blackberries. The loss of a special friend.

Books for Older Students

• Forman, James. The Big Bang. The death of an older brother.
• L'Engle, Madeleine. A Ring of Endless Light. The impending death of a grandfather.
• Naughton, Jim. My Brother Stealing Second. The death of an older brother.
• Ure, Jean. One Green Leaf. Teenage friends deal with the death of a friend.

Books for Parents

• Alderman, Linda. Why Did Daddy Die? Helping children cope with the loss of a parent.
• Gaffney, Donna A. The Seasons of Grief. Helping children work through loss.
• Gravelle, Karen & Haskinsm, Charles. Teenagers Face to Face with Bereavement. Helping teenagers work through loss.
• Lombardo, Victor S., & Lombardo, Edith Foran. Kids Grieve Too.
• Rofes, Eric. The Kids Book About Death and Dying; By and for Kids.
• Wass, Hannelore & Corr, Charles A. Helping Children Cope with Death; Guidelines and Resources.

Helpful Websites

All Kids Grieve.org

This site gives you access to individuals, organizations, materials, and ideas that facilitate the possibility of growing through loss and grief for kids and the adults who care for them.

Compassionate Friends

The goal of compassionate friends is to assist families toward the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child of any age and to provide information to help others be supportive. The organization has available a brochure for teachers and counselors.

Grieving Child

The mission of The Dougy Center for Grieving Children is to provide a safe place where children, teens and families grieving a death can share their experiences as they move through their healing process.

KIDSAID

KIDSAID is a place for kids to share and help each other with grief issues.

Contributions to this article were provided by Holly Colonna and Karen Ward, Tucson Unified School District counselor resource staff.