DEATH AND GRIEF IN THE FAMILY: PROVIDING SUPPORT AT SCHOOL

By James Batts, Ph.D., NCSP from Eastern Kentucky University for the National Association Of School Psychologists

One of every seven children loses a parent to death before the age of 10. Many more will experience the death of a sibling, grandparent or a school-age friend. Teachers are in a unique position to assist grieving children and can play a vital role in helping children understand and manage the pain of grief. However, preparation to meet this need is not typically provided in pre- or in-service training. A study by Reed and Dixon (1999) found that a majority of educators felt "minimally prepared" or "completely unprepared" to deal with death/dying in a classroom. Only 18% of the teachers surveyed believed their training was adequate.

Children's Understanding Of Death

Preschool Children (2 to 6 years)

Generally around age 4, children have a limited and vague understanding of death. Children at this age generally do not think of death as permanent. They may believe it is reversible and talk of doing things with the person in the future. Preschoolers frequently engage in magical thought and play. They may believe if they pray or wish hard enough, they could bring the dead person to life. A teacher may overhear a child tell a friend, "My mommy is not dead, she is visiting my grandmother."

Young children may connect events or things together that do not belong together. A child may tell his brother he hates him, and a short time later the brother is struck and killed by a car. The child may not only have guilt for what he said, but feel responsible for causing the death. As teachers and caregivers, we must disconnect these events in the child's thinking by reassuring him that the events are not in any way related.

Primary-Grade Children (6 to 9 years)

Children at this age have begun to grasp the finality of death, but very often they still engage in magical thinking and maintain the belief that their thoughts and wishes may have the power to undo death. This belief in their power may lead to the idea that they could have prevented the death or that they should have been there to protect the person who died. This thinking also is likely to lead to guilt and feeling responsible for the person's death.

Intermediate-Grade Children (9 to 12 years)

Developmentally, this is the age when children are reading adventure books, telling ghost stories, and becoming preoccupied with super heroes. They often look on death as some supernatural being that comes and gets you. Even though they think of death as something that happens primarily to "old" people, they realize it can happen to the young, to their parents, and to their loved ones. At this age they may develop fears of their parents dying or have nightmares about the death of a friend or loved one. They may also think people die because of some wrongdoing of the dead person or someone around them, ie, death is punishment for bad behavior. Again, this type of thinking can lead to feelings of guilt and remorse.

Middle And High School Students (13 to 18 years)

By the time children reach middle school, they probably understand death as well as adults. They understand that it is permanent and happens to everyone eventually. Teens spend much of their time thinking, daydreaming, and philosophizing about death. They are often fascinated with death and fantasize about their own death -- to the dismay of their parents. They imagine their own funeral, for example -- who will come, how badly people will feel, and how people will wish they had been nicer to them when they were alive. Even with this preoccupation with death, they can feel immune to it and engage in death-challenging behaviors such as reckless driving, drinking or taking drugs, and other high-risk behaviors.

Tips for Teachers and Other School Personnel

• Get as much information as possible from the family and ask to share it with the class. Ask the family if they have any objections to students attending the funeral.
• Tell the affected classes before the rest of the student body. Tell the class the truth about what happened. Don't go into too much detail. Give the class information about the family's wishes related to visitation and the funeral.
• Provide time for the students to vent. After telling the children, offer them the opportunity to share their feelings. Ask them how the bereaved child may be feeling now. They can be asked to draw a picture or write a paragraph about what they think the bereaved child feels. Ask for volunteers to read their paragraphs or share their pictures. Writing the students' adjectives or phrases on the chalkboard may help them feel that their feelings are OK.
• Allowing the students to do things for the bereaved child means a lot to both the class and the child. Notes, cards, letters, or pictures can be sent to the child at home or given to them when they return to school. School personnel should always screen these projects before delivery.
• Guide the student's class in what to say and how to act when the bereaved child returns to school. There are two messages that they will want to convey to the child: (1) We missed you and we are glad you are back, and (2) we are really sorry about the death of your _________. Not every student in the class needs to speak to the bereaved student, but hearing that you were missed and that you were being thought about is helpful in a time of grief. It may be necessary to tell selected students that it is a completely out-of-bounds topic for teasing.
• Respect the loss. School personnel too frequently view the deaths of non-primary family members and pets as non-significant. These provide teachable moments about death. The school can play an important role by offering support, structure, and companionship when the family maybe in distress.

Common Emotional And Cognitive Characteristics Of Grief

School personnel should be alert to common grief reactions in children. The American Hospice Foundation (Fitzgerald, 2001) has put together an excellent training guide for school personnel and ideas for a classroom curriculum, including tips for managing these typical changes in performance:

Forgetfulness

Help the bereaved student establish routines or develop a schedule. Remind her to write down assignments and other important things.

Disorganization

It may take a grieving child much longer to complete a task or find an assignment.

Inability to concentrate

Don't be surprised to see the student "daydreaming." It may be hard for him to focus.

Inability to retain information

Teachers can help the student by encouraging the use of study aids, eg, outlining material, highlighting important facts, breaking study sessions into shorter segments, etc.

Lack of motivation

The student maybe thinking about what has happened and not about her schoolwork. After-school tutoring may be necessary if the quality of work is seriously diminished for an extended period.

Lowered tolerance level and increased impatience.

A grieving student may be short tempered, irritable, or impatient. Warn the student and his peers that taking out one's problems on others is not the best way to handle things. Offer problem-solving strategies to him or encourage her to meet with the school counselor, psychologist or social worker.

Identification of High-Risk Students

Observations of the following high-risk behaviors should be shared with the parents and a mental health service provider, such as a school psychologist, counselor, or social worker:

• Talking or writing about wanting to die
• Drop in grades for an extended period of time – more than three weeks
• Development and persistence of physical symptoms following the death, eg, dizziness, headaches, lack of appetite, diarrhea or other gastrointestinal problems
• Depression that lasts for more than two weeks
• Guilt and expressing responsibility for the death of the loved one
• Isolation and lack of communication with peers and adults

Online Resources

American Hospice Foundation
2110 L Street, NW
Suite 200
Washington DC 20037

The Compassionate Friends
P.O. Box 3696
Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696

Griefnet
P.O. Box 3272
Ann Arbor, MI 48106

Print Resources

Fitzgerald, H. (2001). Grief At School: A Training Guide. Washington, DC: American Hospice Foundation.

Lord, J.H. (1995). Death At School: A Guide For Teachers, School Staff, Counselors, And Administrators. (Rev. Ed.). Dallas: Mothers Against Drunk Drivers.

Reid, J.K., & Dixon, W. A. (1999). Teacher Attitudes On Coping With Grief In The Public School Classroom. Psychology in the Schools, 36 (3) 219-229.

Wolfelt, A. (2002). Children's Grief. In S. Brock, P. Lazarus & S. Jimerson (Eds.), Best Practices In School Crisis Prevention And Intervention. Bethesda, MD: National Association of School Psychologists.

Adapted from a handout prepared by the author for Helping Children at Home and School, Second Edition (edited by A. Canter, L. Paige, S. Carroll & I. Romero, National Association of School Psychologists). Published with permission.